LUCKY ME, a recruiter named Lisa with Reliance Consulting spied my resume on Monster.com and called me about a job at one of the largest banks in the U.S. – doing something in their mortgage department. Doing what exactly I don’t know because the job description is very vague, but I assumed I could find out more in an interview.
For the sake of simplicity, I shall refer to this financial institution as Mega Bank. A couple of my friends have worked at Mega, and they have excellent benefits. So, my resume was shuffled through cyberspace to their HR department.
Three days later, Mega Bank offered me the job simply based on my resume! WTF? Ya know, I get I’m totally awesome, LOL, but I wouldn’t hire me without at least a 10-minute chat on the phone. I could be a complete moron who paid a lot of money for a really good resume. However, since I REALLY didn’t like the temp job I was on at the time (don’t even get me started on that), I accepted the position.
Then, of course, comes the real fun. I spent 2.5 HOURS completing the online application for Reliance listing every single employer for the last 10 years along with their address, phone number and email. AGAIN – WTF?
When I reached the bitter, bleary-eyed end of this damned cyber paperwork, I had a little panic attack because I didn’t have the email addresses or phone number for 2 of my previous supervisors from a decade ago because one had moved to Indiana, and that particular office had gone out of business in 2008, and I have no clue what the other supervisor’s email is. I emailed Lisa explaining I had to put incorrect information – because I couldn’t complete this pre-employment malarkey without putting SOMETHING in the field for phone number and email address.
Lisa got very confused and emailed me back saying that the names I mentioned weren’t the supervisors I’d listed as references (from more recent jobs). And though I explained via email and via voicemail, I never got to hash out this issue with her, and I’ve been concerned for 2 weeks now that I’ll be accused of providing FALSE info. No red flags yet, but I still don’t have a start date for this new job, so who knows.
Then, the next day after the nightmarish trek through their online application process, I received an email from Lisa with an attachment that was a .pdf of YET ANOTHER APPLICATION!!! No, I am not making this up. Apparently, all the online documentation was ONLY for the back ground check. For the actual application for Reliance, I had to PRINT OUT a paper app, and HAND WRITE my entire job history AGAIN and answer 22 questions in regard to my favorite work environment (large or small company)/preferred hours, etc.
And their paper app was in 6 pt font and had TINY little boxes where you had to reply. And, no, t’was not the kind of .pdf you can type upon. The recruiter already requested that I write legibly and to scan/email it upon completion.
This is fucking unbelievable! I should write the damned thing in crayon!! YES – NEON BLUE fucking CRAYON! Or better yet…I’ll bet I could get enough blood out of my thumb to write it in my rare vintage of human vino, and it’s such a lovely shade of RED!!!
I could use a toothpick, dip it in a little puddle of blood, and use the toothpick like a QUILL. Is that not brilliant? And that’d be a lot easier than using a pen, given the space restrictions.
Why the fuck can’t they just email that list of questions and allow their applicants to email the answers back? That’s how I gave them my references. They could print out/scan the answers if they want this info to be on their database or whatever – instead of trying to explain why I left each job in a box that was shorter than the width of my pinkie fingernail.
And though this job pays considerably more than the job at the Publishing Company, which didn’t work out (very long story), I have to wonder why they need SO MUCH INFO? Do they really think that being so thorough in their selection process is going to stop me from quitting, or stop others from screwing up on the job? I think not.
And I’ll bet astronauts don’t fill out as much paperwork when they apply to NASA!!! Or maybe they do, but they’re going into SPACE, people.
I’m going to be a paper pusher, living in a cubicle. When I worked for Household Finance in ’99 as an account executive, we did everything. Outbound sales, taking loan apps for mortgage and personal loans, processing all the paperwork required prior to loan approval, and we churned out all the closing docs as well, and the application for that job was ONE PAGE, accompanied by a personality quiz that took about 20 minutes. And that was it.
And Household was a revolving door of applicants and probably still would be if they added a couple reams of paperwork. In that, most people didn’t stay a year. And one girl only lasted 2 weeks. She went to lunch one day and never returned. And not to worry, she didn’t meet with foul play. I saw her wedding announcement in the newspaper about 6 months later. She was working at Citibank in their call center back then. I guess Household Finance’s get ‘em to sign on the dotted line or die tryin’ attitude was just too much for her. Couldn’t blame her there. I hated that job, and, I was thrilled when I got laid off 3-4 months later.
ANYWHO, at this point, you’re probably thinking that maybe, that’s the end of the quagmire of pre-employment nonsense I had to deal with before embarking on a new career at Mega Bank. Um…NOT. So. Much.
When I went to Reliance’s office downtown to complete my tax forms, I couldn’t find their office, and NO ONE answered the phone. And I let it ring 20 times! When I finally found it, the receptionist said they’d been having issues with the phone system, and he had no record of my appointment. AWESOME. After a couple frantic phone calls, the receptionist handed me the proper paperwork about ten minutes later.
In order to work at Mega, you have to get fingerprinted/have a BCI check done because of all the confidential info you’re privy too. Sure. No problem. I have nothing to hide.
I left my temp job and drove as fast as my silver bullet could manage in 4:30 traffic to Mega’s branch on Polaris Parkway where I’ll be working, and whoever is in charge of such had just left 2 minutes before I arrived. Sigh. The next day, I snuck out of my temp job early and made it to Mega by 4:44 this time, and lo, and behold…I was told…
“Sorry contractors have to go to our Easton location.”
Are you FUCKING kidding me? GROAN and insert angry EXPLETIVES here! :) Especially since the both the Polaris and Easton locations are 20, yes TWENTY, miles from my house. Compensation for gas anyone? Um. No.
I quit my temp job so that I could finish all this pre-employment crap, and I drove to Mega’s Easton location the next day. As usual, the security guard, Ms. Weatherby, had trouble getting my prints to scan. I don’t know why, but I always have this problem. When I had to be fingerprinted before teaching at Hilliard Schools, their scanner couldn’t read my prints either, and I had to drive all the way out to London, Ohio – 30 miles away. And the fingerprint scanner at the tanning salon I frequent acts like I’m invisible. But anywho…
“You may have to go to Polaris,” said Ms. Weatherby with a sigh.
“Um, no, I was told that all contractors have to get fingerprinted here.”
So, she called a supervisor for assistance. He could see the scanner remotely. And she kept scanning and kept clicking OVERRIDE, and 10 minutes later, my prints were in the system.
Whereupon I was told it would take 24 to 48 hours before they’d get the results verifying I didn’t have a criminal record anywhere in the U.S.
THANK GOD cuz I’m running out of cash, and I still haven’t gotten my first unemployment check from getting laid off from Jeans, Inc. (another long, tedious story).
Four days without a word. I called Lisa who said they were still waiting on the BCI check.
On day SIX, I emailed Lisa stating if I didn’t hear something soon, I’d have to seek employment elsewhere. And five minutes later, she called me.
“Something came back on your background check,” Lisa said flatly.
“What do you mean?” I asked in a panic. For chrissakes, the only time I’ve ever gotten arrested was when I was 17…yeah, funny story…feel free to check it out at…
http://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/08/29/blog-30-%E2%80%93-an-ode-to-barboursville-and-the-days-of-yore/
She gave me the phone number for someone named Andrew at Mega Bank in New Jersey.
“We got a reprint request on the 13th and the 18th. We couldn’t run your prints. The scans weren’t good enough,” Andrew explained.
Then, why the fuck couldn’t they have told someone at Reliance? Still waiting on an answer for that one.
Holy fuckballs. So, it’s snowing like hell, and it was 4 degrees, but I hauled my ass back out to Easton yesterday, and a different person, a younger blonde girl, took my fingerprints this time. I explained my problem and requested that she not override the scans. After about 20 minutes, we were still struggling to get my prints to “pass”. I called Andrew again, and I said,”We’ve got the images for my fingerprints up to 90% and some as high as 96%. Is that good enough?”
“What’s the problem?” He asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe, because I have really small fingers, and my pinkie fingers are crooked, which makes it difficult to get them to lay flat.”
“I see. Well, you can’t get blood from a turnip,” Andrew replied in a jovial tone. “That should be fine at 90%.”
So, the young blonde clicked override, and here I am WAITING again, and hopefully in a couple of days I’ll have a start date for the job I was offered 15 days ago!
To top it off, get this, Ms. Weatherby, who sent the crappy prints off to be processed, was the blonde girl’s SUPERVISOR.
And with all this pre-employment FOREPLAY, these assholes aren’t even going to buy me lunch, much less dinner!
Last night, I decided if this job doesn’t work out, maybe, I’ll just go work at McDonald’s or UDF (United Dairy Farmers, a convenient store/gas station chain). I hear they’re hiring, or maybe, I’ll just walk down to the exit ramp from I-270 and panhandle like this one guy who was “hungry” and needed “help” – according to his homemade sign. Although one night, I saw him walk over to the parking lot beside Frisch’s Diner and climb into a very nice Nissan Rogue that looked brand new. So, that’s always a career path to fall back on as well…
~Ciao!-
TenaciousBitch and her band of truth-spouting HIPPIES
TB/ks
